How to be a happy dad

How to be a selfish, angry dad

"What must I lay aside so that God can really find his unique place in my life?"
- Taize Monthly Reflection: January 2007, http://www.taize.fr/en_article167.html

I find myself feeling angry with disturbing frequency these days. I think at base that I am mourning the loss of the life I had before parenthood (remember that anger is one of the manifestations of grief). I love Anna and would trade nothing for her, but there is also loss involved in welcoming a toddler into our lives. There has been a major disruption of how we live on just about all levels. I see much good in that – I am learning and growing a lot – but also much pain. I think it is good to acknowledge the pain of loss.

Much of the loss is a loss of the ease with which I could satisfy my selfishness. Looking back, I had a lot of free time to indulge myself without it really affecting relationships, ministry, or work. Now I have outward demands and responsibilities that make it much harder for me to be selfish. On a practical level, we have this little person who is dependent on us 24 hours a day, seven days a week. That is a reality that only sank in for me once Anna was home.

I have a couple of dad friends who have spoken with me about feeling selfish. I feel selfish, too. The good news is that I don't think that I (and probably they as well) am any more selfish now that I was before, but now my selfishness is more frustrated. In fact, because of this change in our lives, I am probably less selfish than I was before, if only by default. I am less able to satisfy my selfishness.

Perhaps this loss of selfish-time (for lack of a better term) is, for me, another step in maturity. Learning to live without as much space for my selfishness is/could be one more step in moving beyond myself toward others and toward Christlikeness. I hope so.